The Metamorphosis of Waste
Light will eventually split you open - Hafiz
The Sense of Wasting Time - a story
One of the senses that I like the least is the one of wasting of time. In fact, I don't think anyone enjoys it. Do we really know what “wasting time” is about? What does it mean? Is it the same for everyone? Is it good, is it bad? What causes us this sense that time is often slipping through our fingers? As if it wasn't enough to feel it running away from us, time persists in leaving its marks in our bodies and souls. Will time be merciless with us? Or is it its impiety defined by our perspective and foolishness?
I vividly remember the moment when I realized I had wasted my youth, because of my foolishness, lack of wisdom, and understanding which were reflected in the wrong decisions I made. At the same time I realized I had imposed an emotional aging, which became visible even in my body.
Decisions that lack wisdom and common sense usually reflect the absence of love and the presence of fear. However, this is not about finding people to blame for the experienced consequences, nor about living this metamorphosic process with guilt and shame. Although both may arise instinctively, the reality is that under the light of Truth and humility they fade away.
I no longer had the strength of my 20s and by then I was fast approaching my 40s. In that instant I had nothing more to offer than the pain I was feeling.
Sitting at the foot of my bed, I wept profusely, such was my awareness, and repentance. In my heart I watched in my mind some situations in the my past as if they were from a movie. I felt confronted with scenes that caused me deep feelings of abandonment, devaluation, and constant fear and insecurity. I saw little Ana growing up, becoming a teenager, and then a young girl, trying to figure out what to do with what she felt. I never knew. I tried sweeping them under the rug, and for a moment I felt some relief, but as soon as another situation would arouse them, they would soon rise again, and stronger than ever. I was trapped in these feelings and lies, which, for me at the time they were disguised as truths. I felt doomed to the message they were giving me: I was not enough; I was not valuable; I was worthless, unlovable, and I was going to have to work hard to please God and humans, so I could earn that worth, love, security and rest.
As I cried and relived within me these moments, I cried out for mercy, forgiveness and help. Suddenly the movie in my mind was interrupted by Jesus, who sits down next to me, hugged me, and said, "It's going to be okay, daughter. I'm so glad you're here! I want you to know that I never left you alone, even when you felt that way. I will transform and use all of this. No pain or suffering will be wasted. I will restore your youth."
I looked inside myself for one more time, like a surgeon checking his patient's condition at the end of surgery. "Okay, I'm well! The internal bleeding has finally been seared." In the end, all that remains is hope, faith, and love, but the greatest is Love (1 Corinthians 13:13).
We are transformed through pain and suffering as we navigate them with Jesus. Jesus himself became the Savior through hardships and troubles; His message came to us through His suffering and that of so many others who followed the same path and came after Him.
At that moment, a tangible peace invaded my home and my soul, my body and my spirit. For the first time, I felt every atom and cell of my being bowing down to the presence of Jesus. Everything within me was prostrating before Him. I realize that I will never be able to put into words such an experience, even if I wanted to. Even if I try to share it in detail, those who read or hear it will only fully understand it when they have their own personal encounters with Jesus. That is the beauty of Jesus: He is always personal!
At last I was free!
Encouraged by Him, I decided that I was going to go on with life differently. I gave up the victimization mentality and took responsibility for my decisions. I accepted my pain and turned it into something to learn from; into a story that carries my life and Jesus’ life in me.
It was then that I realized that, even if we have to make our way back to wisdom and Truth, the shortcuts we take in life can always be made into learning and training, for what we have yet to experience. It all depends on what we want and how badly we want it.
Now, on my way to middle age, I don't want to make the same mistake by squandering in my old age the maturity I have acquired so far (and the one I still aim to achieve). This maturity translates into life experiences learned and appropriated without bitterness, even if youth was wasted. In other words, I have allowed myself to feel the bitterness, the pain, the anger, the loneliness, the fear, the abandonment, the sadness, that comes from situations, but, this time, without embodying them.
It refreshed my being!
Psalm 103:5 speaks of this very thing. God fills our old age with good things, so that the youth in ourselves may be renewed like the eagle.
I am not talking about material possessions, nor am I talking about having a young body again. Only the favor, wisdom, love, and grace of God can satiate the human soul; many other things may give pleasure, but never fully satisfy the soul (Ecclesiastes 6:7 ; Isaiah 55:2). If, nevertheless, the body imparts this youthfulness, it is all the fruit of an upright spirit and a soul immersed in God's love and nature.
Even God’s creation reveals these truths!
God’s Creation Reveals His Truth
When the eagle reaches middle-age - around 40 years old - it can no longer catch its prey, because its talons have become too long and flexible; its beak has become too long and bent; its wings have become heavy and old, because of the thickness of its feathers, which has made flying more tiring. In this state the eagle has only two options: either let itself die, or face a painful process of renewal, which will last around 150 days.
During this time of solitude, in a nest high up on a mountain, she beaks against a rock until she succeeds in plucking it out, enduring the excruciating pain that this attitude entails. Then, it waits patiently for a new beak to grow back, with which it will pull out its old talons. Later, when its new talons grow back, the eagle begins to pluck the old-aged feathers out. The eagle reaches a point of complete vulnerability and weakness. However, at the end of this process, of about 5 months, it emerges refreshed for the first flight of its next 30 years of life, and its strength will match its wisdom!
When God, by His grace and comfort, restores His children, by filling them with His life and presence, and delivers them from their decline, it means that they have returned to the days of their youth. In other words, they have had their youth restored (Job 33:25).
That is how it was for me. Today, having overcome depression, anorexia and suicidal thoughts, and all that was connected with them, even though I am older, my spirit is younger than when I was young.
Waste For Beauty
This image is an art sculpture made with garbage, waste, by the Brazilian artist Vik Muniz. I believe it represents very well what I am trying to convey here. It is possible to redeem what we have wasted, the harm we have done to ourselves and the one which people caused us, if we’ll be willing to take responsibility and the accept the truth about ourselves and our experiences. Yes, we will experience pain, suffering, injustice, and much more—that's all part of life is—but we can turn it all into learning and training for what awaits us later in life.
Certainly the pains of each person will always be personal, private, and specific to each being. My intention is not to generalize or standardize the processes of each person, nor to minimize the suffering of anyone. There are in fact situations of great injustice and cruelty all over the world, but even these require a response from us. That is why I say in advance that despite the uniqueness of each one of us, the principle is general to all: we are not responsible for the harm done to us; but we are responsible for what we choose to do with that same harm.
What are your woes? What did you choose to do with the harm done to you: did you become bitterness in person, allowing yourself to be filled with self-righteousness, or did you decide to use the situation for your personal learning and growth? In what ways have your sufferings made you more human and authentic? What have you been learning about God’s nature through those situations?
The decision is always ours. Even when we don't decide, we have already decided.
The wonder of the Kingdom of God, is this: everything in Him is renewed and made anew (2 Corinthians 5:17).
— Ana Sousa
This is one of many Ana’s life stories on her journey into God’s Heart. If you’re interested in reading more of her stories, please visit her This Log Book of Mine’s Newsletter. If you want to know more about Ana visit her missionary journey in Manhattan, KS.